BEFORE WE BEGIN...
You probably grew up hearing from your parents or teachers that there are 'no dumb questions' and 'no wrong answers.'
This is a lie. You don't get to ask questions here, and your answers could change your life, or at least help distract you from it.
Answer YES or NO to the following questions:
1. Do you have an inexplicable void in your life?
2. Do you have shoulders?
3. Do you still live with your parents?
4. When you find someone attractive, do you immediately imagine how they’d look on your shoulders?
5. When you find someone attractive, do you immediately imagine how you’d look on their shoulders?
6. When you visit a pool, do you see a chance to cement your legacy?
7. Have you ever been ejected from a public pool?
8. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? (Please look at this question carefully and answer accordingly)
9. Are you willing to lie to your partner/spouse about where you're really going or have been?
10. Are you now, or have you ever been, an agent of a foreign intelligence service?
FIND OUT IF YOU MADE THE CUT.
Okay, let's find out if you'll be invited to the next Meeting of the Shoulder War Council or walking home with your shoulders hung in shame.
If you answered "YES" to...
Congrats, you failed. Even by our mediocre standards you simply aren't who we're looking for. You're far too stable. Might we suggest you browse a Meet Up for Cork Collecting Enthusiasts?
It's a start but we may need to schedule a follow-up interview. Ahhhhh, ok, you caught us - you're in. The 'interview' is just a day-long drinking shift at a local bar, but calling it an interview helps us rationalize we don't have a debilitating problem.
ALL 10 QUESTIONS ?????:
You're a unicorn. We knew one day you'd come and lead us to the great spiritual journey we've all been searching for. In short, you're Chicken Fight Club royalty. Welcome, Your Majesty.