Who Makes The Best Chicken Fighters? Read And Find Out!
PUBLIC POOL - At Chicken Fight Club we're frequently asked what attributes make for the best chicken fighters. While many assume that the broad-shouldered dominate the sport, we meticulously studied the legends of the game, using complex algorithms and military-grade artificial intelligence, and the results are somewhat surprising. Below are what our MIT dropouts (and Arizona State graduates) have determined to be the greatest attributes and Achilles-heels of games greats.
It’s not the size of shoulders in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the shoulders. After conducting chicken fights in wind tunnels and misappropriating soviet-era flight simulators, there is a chicken fight principle defined as Schultern’s Theory, named after legendary chicken fighter Hans Schultern, who stood 6’6” tall.
To understand Schultern’s Theory, just think of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Now think of the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a tall, slippery human with another human on its neck being pushed violently to one side. Now ask yourself why Italy chose to side with Germany in World War II.
But we digress.
You get the point, once that baby gets pushed past its fulcrum, it is “Timber” and splash – game over. Unlike the Leaning Tower of Pisa, it shouldn’t take a thousand years for your opponent to gradually tip over.
Long Hair Isn’t Fair
Hair – back hair, shoulder hair, mullets, and hair we dare not mention – has always played a controversial role in chicken fights. Back in the wild west, chicken fight fan boys started to notice an interesting trend develop, teams with a furry foundation were dominating the sport.
Upon closer examination, it became apparent that bushy back and Kentucky Waterfalls were being leveraged like saddle horns to promote stability and provide an unfair advantage over more follicly challenged combatants.
Therefore, The International Chicken Fighting Federation (ICFF) had to institute Rule 5.69 establishing that “no mane, mullet, Kentucky Waterfall, Beaver Paddle, Ape Drape, Neck Warmer, Camaro Cut, Mississippi Mud Flap, Missouri Compromise, or Canadian Passport may be utilized for advantage. Violations are punishable by shearing.”
Slip Sliding Away
Sure, your dermatologist recommends you lather up in a nice SPF 50 before crisping in the sun by the pool. But while this melanoma prophylactic might save your skin over of the long-haul, chicken fighters need to live for today, and should eschew the zinc and aloe during matches, or risk seeing their chances for victory slip away.
Also, how do you expect to get quality selfies for your Instagram account if you’re not suitably bronzed?
Get in the Gym
Great chicken fighters aren’t born, they earn it in the gym. If you want to be an elite chicken fighter train like the best might we suggest training aids such as The Thighmaster or The Gazelle?